Chemo 9

Everytime before a chemo happens I hit a breaking point and with every chemo the impact of the breaking point just increases this time to a level that I don’t want to take the chemo at all. I am really dreading it. Yes, the whole world has told me go for it, it’s the last one but my body just repels it. It has told me already you take in another chemo and see the way I react. I can feel every bit of it. The worst part is there is no escape there is no alternate way. You either give all of yourself to live or this bug will again spread. So with a very heavy heart and a broken body I fight for the last time to hopefully be free for a life time. The inside me is always scared. 22 years and chemo 9 that too for two continuous days. What can I say – BRING IT ON. 

Kabhi Kabhi lagta hai sirf khud se baatein karte reh jayenge, yeh andheri raat guzarne ka naam nahi leti,

 socha tha aandhi aayegi toh chattaan ban jayenge lekin waqt ke aage toh kissi ki nahi chalti, kuch akele padte jaa rahe hain hum, kadam kuch dagmaga rahe hain abh. Bus ek dua maangte hai khuda hamare saath jo hua so hua kissi ko bhi yeh sazaa mat dena, bahut mushkil hai is raaste pe chalna....

LIFE

One of the toughest things is to love life when everything close to your heart crumbled down like burnt paper and it makes you choke, heavy eyes, and heavy heart, almost like you can’t breathe. When the weight of grief becomes more than the weight of your body.  When you are left just by yourself. And then from the inside somewhere you gather those broken pieces of you, and tell life you will love it again, nurture it because that’s the only thing you have. Nothing in this world is more precious than this four letter word called life. 

Chemo 8 is on the way.....

One has to kill a part of themselves to again get back life, that's how I define chemo.

Chemo just doesn't make you weak physically, it takes a huge toll on you mentally and psychology and this part is more difficult to fight with. My next chemo is after 2 days. Yes, I start freaking out two days before. Different people have different experience wrt chemo but for me in one word it has been hell. The best preperation for chemo is no preparation. Just keep your mind as diverted as possible. I always try that very hard otherwise I get hit by a psychological bout of Nausea. 

It happens for two continuous days and by the time its done, I have no idea of what is happenening around me. Semi-conscious I guess. But I can't tell you the joy I feel inside when its done. Its like scoring 100% in exams, its like my biggest achievement possible. 

Everyday is a small battle to try to win the war. You might not end up winning all the battles but this war, somewhere inside, you know you will end up winning. That is the only reason we go through pain is for a better life.

Your attitude can take you forward or your attitude can take you down, the choice is always yours!

Till the time HOPE exists we all will sail through! :)