Part of my fight. a battle won. the war is still on. Cancer teaches you to love life. It teaches you to live.

Fighting It Out

1.5 years, if I ever think of that before the time I was diagnosed with cancer I wouldn't really know about this time period in 22 years of my life. And if you ask me about anything from the year Nov 2010 to March 2012, I can remember each and every day in front of my eyes. I finished my last chemo in September 2011; with this I thought it would be the end of the dreaded disease and the worst time of my life.

I was hopeful of a better life ahead of me but there was something that didn't strike me then, it’s not just the period of your treatment that is important, your time of recovery from that surgery that takes out a lot from you so that you can survive to the poison that takes out the life from you so you can live is a very important one.  Where I went wrong was when I saw people recovering around me and getting back to normal lives quite soon, so that made me think even I will hit the road back soon.

I didn't realize that time that each body is different, each person is different, the poison is different and the dose is different. This is as difficult a phase as fighting the disease, i.e, because you are rearing to go but you always end up with some small problems, and these smaller problems become the big dangers in your head. That phase from recovering to getting fine has been a tough one for me, every other day a small problem arises, scaring you of whether something inside you has gone wrong again, whether those syringes will again start going inside you, whether that hospital bed is waiting for you, where you had the toughest time of your life. Every night I pray just about one thing never should anyone see a hospital bed in their life.

I have cried through the nights, I have been dazed in the mornings, I have sat on the same bed for weeks, I have heard everyone tell me its all going to be fine, its just the last battle, I have heard from everyone that I am a brave fighter, but on some days I just want to listen to its over, never will anything happen regarding this, you are a free bird.

And then I realize the kind of life I have lived even with the most dangerous thing on my head, I am a free bird, I smile more than a lot of people do around me, I crib less than people with the best of everything and one thing I have more than anyone is HOPE, I live every day because I have Hope and Faith that my strength will kill this thing. And I know no matter what happens will do what I want, I worked when I wanted to, I travelled where ever I wanted to. Yes in the middle I have fallen sick but everyone will always say one thing - she does things she liked, she lived her life, she smiled even when she came out of a 6 hour long surgery.

No matter what it takes, how much time it takes, I will beat you. You try to ever come back I will personally make sure you die, you tumour, you negativity. You can make me helpless at time, u can make me weak, but trust me you, you can't break my spirit.

Chemo 9

Everytime before a chemo happens I hit a breaking point and with every chemo the impact of the breaking point just increases this time to a level that I don’t want to take the chemo at all. I am really dreading it. Yes, the whole world has told me go for it, it’s the last one but my body just repels it. It has told me already you take in another chemo and see the way I react. I can feel every bit of it. The worst part is there is no escape there is no alternate way. You either give all of yourself to live or this bug will again spread. So with a very heavy heart and a broken body I fight for the last time to hopefully be free for a life time. The inside me is always scared. 22 years and chemo 9 that too for two continuous days. What can I say – BRING IT ON. 

Kabhi Kabhi lagta hai sirf khud se baatein karte reh jayenge, yeh andheri raat guzarne ka naam nahi leti,

 socha tha aandhi aayegi toh chattaan ban jayenge lekin waqt ke aage toh kissi ki nahi chalti, kuch akele padte jaa rahe hain hum, kadam kuch dagmaga rahe hain abh. Bus ek dua maangte hai khuda hamare saath jo hua so hua kissi ko bhi yeh sazaa mat dena, bahut mushkil hai is raaste pe chalna....

LIFE

One of the toughest things is to love life when everything close to your heart crumbled down like burnt paper and it makes you choke, heavy eyes, and heavy heart, almost like you can’t breathe. When the weight of grief becomes more than the weight of your body.  When you are left just by yourself. And then from the inside somewhere you gather those broken pieces of you, and tell life you will love it again, nurture it because that’s the only thing you have. Nothing in this world is more precious than this four letter word called life. 

Chemo 8 is on the way.....

One has to kill a part of themselves to again get back life, that's how I define chemo.

Chemo just doesn't make you weak physically, it takes a huge toll on you mentally and psychology and this part is more difficult to fight with. My next chemo is after 2 days. Yes, I start freaking out two days before. Different people have different experience wrt chemo but for me in one word it has been hell. The best preperation for chemo is no preparation. Just keep your mind as diverted as possible. I always try that very hard otherwise I get hit by a psychological bout of Nausea. 

It happens for two continuous days and by the time its done, I have no idea of what is happenening around me. Semi-conscious I guess. But I can't tell you the joy I feel inside when its done. Its like scoring 100% in exams, its like my biggest achievement possible. 

Everyday is a small battle to try to win the war. You might not end up winning all the battles but this war, somewhere inside, you know you will end up winning. That is the only reason we go through pain is for a better life.

Your attitude can take you forward or your attitude can take you down, the choice is always yours!

Till the time HOPE exists we all will sail through! :)

7 down 2 to go

The things I have learnt in the past 9-10 months have been the biggest teacher of my life. When i was diagnosed I was 21 years, just turned 22 a month ago. In this one year I have got the biggest shock of my life, felt crippled, didn't know how to react, have been in terrible pain which would last sometimes from 6-7 hours continuously, have had days when didn't eat anything at all. Have heard my mother crying in a corner so that I couldn't hear any of it. Have my father get me anything at just one mention, ya he is the same man who once told me beta you should learn to save.

I have been quite low since my last dose of chemo and what makes me even more depressed is the two more to go but if i put it the other way - JUST TWO MORE TO GO FOR FREEDOM TO BE MINE- sure it makes things easy. 

A thousand people would want to be your friends if you are a success story, it takes courage to stand by someone who is falling. I just want to thank everyone who has been by me in this tough time. My doctor once said to me Geetika you are lucky you are up from death bed, we just saved you at the right time, I believe there is a reason for this for sure.